Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   it just me or you don't really realize how drunk you are until you are in a bathroom alone?

   But seriously, how do I get one million dollars and a flat stomach by tomorrow?

   My morning routine includes 20 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired I am.

   I'm at the "What can I make with green beans and cake mix?" stage of needing groceries.

   May everything you want this weekend be within the reach of the couch.

   Even God thinks Kanye West is an a$$hole.

   My dog vomited last night at 4 am. At least he kept me company while I cleaned it up.

   ..... Of course I talk to myself ... heck .... Sometimes I need expert advice!!!

   If you wife asks what would you do without me? "Live happily ever after," is not the correct answer.

   I have the paper towel usage of a much wealthier man.

   I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven't pooped it out yet. Really scared now!

   My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80's song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.

   I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with the cup!!!

   Never call me creepy. You're the only one that doesn't even know we're engaged.

   Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

   I've learned to live with a very flexible definition of 'OK.'

   Sometimes I put a “for sale” sign in my neighbor’s yard and pray the power of suggestion works.

   Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...

   Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.

   Always surprised when people on Tiny House Hunters move in with their kids and there isn't a follow-up show called Tiny House Homicides.