Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If I found out I was going to be burned at the stake, I think I'd fill all my pockets with popcorn kernels

   Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle

   only paying for sex if the price seems really, really reasonable.

   We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

   My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

   It takes 2 to Tango, but a whole bunch of people to do the Electric Slide.

   ignored the lawful commands of his alarm clock this morning.

   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

   O how I love coming home to a bum having a full blown conversation with my freakin garbage pails about how they shouldnt be standing in the street because its dangerous and they could get hurt......

   waiting for the "hot now" sign to light up at the Krispy Kreme shop..

   looks like I picked the wrong week to quit Facebook.

   TSA tagline: One man's junk is another man's treasure.

   Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever and you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice of medical professionals everywhere.

   “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

   I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.

   I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life prolonging my childhood.

   Until I have it again, I refuse to believe that sex is still a thing

   Where are the socialist snowplows at?

   Valentines: Someday you will meet that amazing person who just gets you. And they won't text you back either.

   I can't wait to get to the part of my life where wearing suspenders with sweat pants is completely ok.