Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If any of you ever have to identify my dead body, I'd appreciate you saying it's not me.

   If you want her to treat you nice, first you have to treat her right.

   I bet if you're a stripper, you have panic dreams where you show up in a public place, fully clothed, and you just can't seem to get naked.

   Drinking game: Take a shot or chug a beer everytime Tony Romo says "you know" during an interview or press conference.

   Always young at heart. But the rest of the parts apparently came from Sanford & Son

   You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday... just to tell them 'how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.'

   I want to live on a deserted island. Not because it's tropical, but because I hate people.

   How are you feeling today? Like a tampon. In a good place... At the wrong time.

   Those girls on the balance beam learn early on that 4 inches isn't much to work with.

   I'm an expert in smartassology.

   The paypal card reader is now available. So now people who sell weed and other illegal substances can now accept all major credit cards.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me.

   The Camouflage Snuggie: the ideal gift for the military afficionado in your life who aspires to blend in with a couch.

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   grew up in a time when pluto was a planet.

   don't wake me up i'm working

   hates people that take drugs... customs for example

   might be schizophrenic; but at least I'll always have each other

   you know it's a strange day when a volkswagen pulls up in your driveway and a dozen clowns exit.

   Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem