Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   A good business idea: Open a Pho restaurant that never closes, calling it Twenty Pho Seven.

   I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

   I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   Balloons are so weird...."Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

   I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I'm eating pizza alone.

   If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are drowning and you can save just one, what kind of cupcakes are you baking?

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he's not in?

   Whenever I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer....

   One does not simply talk to their pet in a normal voice....no they don't, oh no they don't.

   Was Berry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gay? Sure makes Stevie Wonder!!!

   Alabama changed the drinking age to 34. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

   Do not drink and drive...because there are people out there who text and drive and they will hit you and it will be your fault!!!

   I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie.

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog!

   Of course I have a drinking problem, it cost too much.

   Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

   Surprisingly,, " How It’s Made" episode about "pancakes",, actually didn’t show my wife and I arguing for 20 minutes

   Don't be sad.. Someone, somewhere.. Is finding out right now they have herpes.