Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you figure me out I want an explanation.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone called me gay I'd be able to afford front row tickets to the Cher concert.

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

   I think Taylor Swift's song "Shake It Off" is a great potty training tool for boys

   I'd like the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of her ass. Where are we on this technology?

   Life is too short to remove the USB safely.

   Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.

   Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 32, looking for some action!” I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep the b****h busy.

   The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.

   A lot of my problems seem to start by waking up in the morning.

   Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

   "Shall we move this to the bedroom?" - Me, to snacks.

   i think facebook just set a record for the longest period of time that they haven't changed anything around on us.

   Hey Youtube, you've got a grammatical error on your website... Its "You WILL skip ad in 5 seconds"... not, "You CAN skip ad in 5 seconds"

   “One shot, one kill, one apology.” - Canadian Sniper.

   They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one... Susan

   I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.

   Don't roll your eyes at me. We aren't married yet.

   Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn't it?

   When a girl says, "I'd rather we just stay friends," what she really means is, "I'd rather just date someone attractive."