Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The best neighbors are the ones you never see.

   I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.

   party at my house bring booze then leave.

   Obesity is now considered a disease by the medical community. Never before has walk for the cure taken on a more literal meaning.

   Being too nice to people will make them take advantage of you. Being disrespectful will make them loath you. Not getting to know them in the first place will spare you both.

   These "Superhero" movies really crack me up when they reveal their secret identity to their girlfriend... As if the first fight they have she's NOT going to blast on Facebook "Peter Parker is an A$$hole and he's really Spiderman"....

   Today, my girlfriend asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.

   I would say at least 3% of my life has been spent talking to dogs that are in other people's cars.

   Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?

   I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

   Just found $4 on the ground. Well, more like $2.40 after my ex wife claims her share

   I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.

   Toddlers have an uncanny ability to hear & repeat every cuss word you utter but ignore every suggestion on avoiding injury & imminent death.

   I didn't see a single Olympic wrestler use the sleeper hold or figure four leg lock...

   You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg

   Nestle to recall Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they may contain meat that was already recalled by the Department of Agraculture. Most surprisingly, however, is that Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets may actually contain meat.

   If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don't post.

   A friend doesn't question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.

   Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.

   Tuesday, aka Monday 2.0