Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   broke my personal record for not dying today

   You'll never convince me that women don't shed their hair to mark their territory.

   I don't just laugh in dangers face. I bend it over a chair and pull it's hair!!!

   they say money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you a sh!t load of bacon and thats pretty damn close

   Nothing like sitting back and watching the people who stabbed you in the back fall apart.

   I could win American Idol if they just let me bring my shower on stage.

   A slew of people aren't using the word "slew" enough.

   The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Men apply the same theory to looking for a girlfriend.

   I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

   I think these cold pills are just making the snot mad.

   Alien 1: "Did the humans receive our message?" Aliens 2 : "Yes, but they named it Dubstep and now they dance to it."

   I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.

   I don't think dogs like giving high fives as much as we think they do.

   Why should I bother staying informed about political issues when nobody running for office does?

   When you start to believe your own lies is when you know you're getting good at it.

   Okay, I admit it! I have my chat showing as offline because I don't want to chat with some of you right now.

   So you're telling me that a house fell on your sister, and the only thing you care about is her shoes?

   would gladly volunteer his services to hang out with Charlie Sheen at the Post-Oscars party.... You know, to keep him on the straight and narrow...

   Why do they call it a Flash Mob when no one gets naked?

   Do you have a weakness? Cupcakes... and porn..Not at the same time! I need a free hand.