Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   surprisingly Going on a killing spree has a minimal impact on your credit score.

   Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.

   If you say married people aren't having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

   I've learned sooo much from my mistakes.. I'm thinking of making some more

   When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend who ditched me for his own imaginary friend.

   My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I've been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

   I let the dog out. I do so about a dozen times a day. I see no need for a three and a half minute song about it.

   Hey Facebook, I really don't care that somebody commented on a post that I commented on seven days ago.

   do movie stars get depressed if they see their movies in the $5.00 dvd bin?

   There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.

   If you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.

   Quick, how can you unmeet someone?

   I've had this bamboo plant on my desk for five weeks and I've yet to catch a single panda. :(

   The closest friends are the ones that know too much.

   You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed

   Attention to all the homeless, it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping 4 dollar a gallon gas into my car.

   The best revenge is to show them that your life is getting better after they're gone

   Candy companies need to learn that making a candy bar and eighth of its original size does not make it "fun sized," it just makes more wrappers to throw away.

   There are times I'll make up words and slip them into conversations just to see if anyone is actually protempifying to what I'm saying.

   Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!!"