Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I love it when people say they haven't evacuated during a hurricane because they had to protect their homes. Who the hell do they think they are? Superman?

   its better to lose a lover then to love a loser

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   I don't know what's worse. The fact that there are so many ugly women who walk around like they're all that or the fact that none of them are desperate enough to talk to me.

   If you think chocolate is better than sex,you really need to find that special someone. If you have already met someone special and STILL believe it,i seriously need to know what kind of chocolate you're eating!

   not bitter. I'm just unsweetened...

   loves the smell of a home-cooked breakfast...mmmm bacon...now how do I get that smell in my house?

   if you take a shot and yell "cinco de mayo!" its a celebration. If you take a shot and yell "Wednesday!" its an intervention

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!!

   If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Facebook is a full blown amusement park.

   Tip this cab driver $5 he continued staring at me like I was going to give him more with his hand open, I took my $5 back, the tip is be grateful and stop being greedy

   A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.

   Oh yes Gwyneth Paltrow, you are so very country strong. I guess being born in LA, going to private school NYC and attending college in Santa Barbara really prepared ya.

   I just received a letter from my bank that said I am approved for a loan and a line of credit. Somebody, somewhere, made a huge mistake."

   A statement on the entrance to a graveyard: This place is full of people who thought that the world can't do without them.

   It should no longer be cranberry sauce, it is cranberry jell-o... Sauce does not retain the shape of the can

   Seriously, I put seriously at the beginning of the sentence to make me sound more serious even when I'm not.

   They said not to sniff markers, but then they made scented ones...

   i use to have a coke problem........ now its just pepsi

   sometimes I feel like a crayon in a box full of markers...