Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Those mattress commercials with the people fake sleeping without covers would be more believable with a lonely housewife getting jack hammered by the pool boy.

   If you hand me a business card while I'm eating, there's a high probability I'll use it as a toothpick...I'm as classy as they come fellas.

   I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.... ...nothing

   Hey Cougars, FYI: drunk h0rny guys will go home with anyone. You're actually not that special.

   Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...

   And the MVP of the Super Bowl is.........The electric company.

   So when do we invade Chechnya?

   My home is like the Playboy Mansion except all the girls are inflatable and have a surprised look on their face.

   I'll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.

   I would like to know exactly what makes the topless protesters mad enough to protest topless so we can do more of it.

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   After 2 million years in existence, the pinky finger reveals its true purpose: supporting the bottom of our phones.

   FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

   Yes, I'm aware I can't fly, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try if my chute doesn't open.

   By massage you meant sex, right?

   Just once I'd like to break out in song and not be "removed from the premises" and "warned for the last time".

   I usually feel much better after I have evacuated all of the Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon

   Starbucks really knows how to put the "fee" in coffee.