Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Poor handicapped guy on the train forgot to put the breaks on his wheel chair. It was like watching the Pinball Wizard.

   What's the over under on how many times the Bodyguard is on the next few weeks??

   I just bought some wallpaper and I'm making it listen to Justin Bieber. Maybe it will hang itself.

   Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I'm driving.

   In the garage looking at my step ladder - wondering why my real ladder left me when I was only five.

   My Motto in a Relationship is : "You Take Care Of Me, And I'll Take Care Of US"

   Beer commercials taught me good looking people like horrible beer.

   I'm sure you will find someone nice. But You can't shake the wh0re tree and hope an angel falls out...

   I'm looking for a LeBron James sort of relationship. No ring and I can disappear when you really need me.

   I solve many of my problems by simply ignoring them

   The only Royal Crown I'm interested in at 4am is some Crown Royal..

   You seem to resemble a feminine hygiene product one might typically use on a summers eve...and the bag it came in.....just sayin!!

   The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open.

   The voices in my head got mad and stopped speaking to me...now I'm bored

   Teacher: "What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?" Smartass: "Pull down its genes."

   The bible say, "thou shalt love thy neighbor" which means, take your password off your wifi!!

   Nobody can tell you who I am or what I am all about. Nobody can describe me or explain me to you. Knowing me is something you will just have to do yourself.

   We all have the power to change one thing a day in our lives...besides underwear.

   Looks like Hugh Hefner's fiance finally got her cataracts removed and called off the wedding realizing she'd have to wake up everyday next to a dude that looks worse than the dead guy on "A Weekend at Bernie's"

   Responsible. Who wants to be responsible? Whenever anything bad happens, it's always "Who's responsible for this?"