Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   dude, if you were the best, there wouldn't be a guy after you...

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

   the only reason why your girlfriend likes your d!ck is because her mom told her to enjoy the little things in life.

   Instead of porn I just watch tennis with my eyes closed,,:~/

   I don't have a short temper; I just have a quick reaction to bullsh!t.

   You know when you need a new pillow when you can fold yours into fourths.

   walking in the mall today..saw a kid with 4 lip rings..suddenly had an urge to hang a shower curtain.

   I've seen a lot of people discussing the Tupac hologram and debating if it's disrespectful to him. I personally think we're losing sight of what's really important here... we're one step closer to having holographic strippers in our living rooms!

   I started drying my hands with a wall mounted hand dryer back in 1998 and I think they're almost dry.

   There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep."

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water... I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch.

   Girls want a fairy tale relationship, guys want a happy ending. ;)

   I can't wait til the kids go back to school and all the people who are supposed to be working start posting again.

   Halloween = candy. Thanksgiving = food. Christmas = gifts. New years = drinks. Valentines day = sex. Birthday = all of the above.

   I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion

   I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: "Santa doesn't exist, but that's ok, cause I can't read."

   chain wallets are a great way to let the ladies know that you've got about $7 that you don't wanna lose.

   Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

   I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays.

   If you have to do more then 3 takes when taking a picture of yourself, it's not the angle or the lighting. It's you. You're ugly.