Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Remember, I'm always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.

   Will Smith should win an Academy Award for acting like Hollywood's held him back.

   So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...

   You have 200 pics of only your face on Facebook? You must be so thin...

   I'd go to the gym more but you have to park like 2 blocks away!

   Never open a email with the attachment " Charlie Sheen footage". It's not a virus or anything,but lets face it, we've all had enough of that idiot lately.

   In the movie of life, I'd probably be credited as "Bar Guy #3".

   Gonna ride a two person bike around campus by myself until I make a friend.

   It's bad when I feel I need to carry a rape whistle with me when I go to the gas station!

   Girl: Mom, I want some fresh air.. Can I go for a walk? Mom: Yes, but tell your “fresh air” to drop you home by 9 pm..!!

   Apocalypse shopping list: 1. Flame thrower 2. 25 boxes of aluminum foil 3. Pogo stick 4. 3 dozen wind up chattering teeth 5. 20 pounds of Lobster tail (Carman Electra's favorite) 6. 15 cases Grey Goose vodka 7. Strobe light 8. Disco Ball

   I'd like Facebook to suggest: Since you've just de-friended that loser, how about you get rid of some more  deadweight, like ……

   MAN RULE 104: No man should ever whisper in another man's ear.

   Anything that comes in a spray can doubles as a bug killer.

   I just saw a commercial where every line at Walmart was staffed with a cashier. It's amazing what fantasy you can create on television!

   Meeting an old friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but this gun in my purse will KILL you.

   Dear Yahoo, Ive never heard someone say "i dunno lets 'Yahoo It." Just Saying. Sincerely, Google.

   Just witnessed a man purchasing Tampax at Walgreens. This man deserves bonus points!!

   Sometimes I open the fridge and stare at the contents for no reason at all.