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Just phished Forest Gump's Facebook password, it's: 1Forest1 
Aaron Hernandez is going to jail as a Tight End and will leave jail as a Wide Receiver
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Just bought my " I survived black history month" T-shirt
Doggy style, because sometimes you both just like the same tv show.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.
Apparently the NFL replacement Refs now work as tape-delay guys at Fox News....
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The Washington Redskins will now be known just as the Redskins because many people find the word "Washington" offensive.
Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos
People complain about voters making bad decisions but what else would you expect from a nation with 7 successful cupcake-based reality shows
Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
In case you weren't paying attention, the REAL reason Eric Holder resigned is to prepare for the 2016 presidential campaign. He'll be running as Anthony Weiner's VP candidate on the Weiner-Holder ticket....
Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I’m not sure if it’s still good.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.
Just picked some lettuce out a sandwich and then added a cheese slice. If anyone wants the recipe, let me know.
Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.
why is it when there are 2 girls in a profile picture it always belongs to the uglier of the two?
I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
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