Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I asked my daughter to make a list of things she wants from Santa, and her reply was "I don't need to make Santa a wish list, daddy. He's been watching me all year...he knows what I want!" I'm &#%ked.

   If you only remember one thing today, remember this.

   Just woke up from a colonoscopy with my smock on backwards, Barry White music playing in the background and my doctor with his feet kicked up smoking a cigarette and told me everything went just fine…

   tired of counting down to the next weekend or vacation so.... only 18,245 days until retirement. Take that society!

   Have you crapped so violently that you back cracks and your legs spasms? Ohh, yeah me either...

   Oh! So you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar!

   has just realised that I've been walking round the office with my flies un-done - that would now explain the 38 female friend requests then

   when I hear a person say "My Mom didn't raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"

   Two chinese people had an albino baby last week. Turns out two Wongs do make a white.

   At my last job, I mixed concrete with a pitchfork.. Under job title on this application should I put ,,Mortar forker?

   Please FB, if not permanently, then at least on April Fool's Day...when people poke me, make the button give a sudden loud buzz and frighten the crap out of them :)..x

   I'm 16 weeks and I'm craving for a facebook game for Men to Confuse the Ladies!!!!

   Dear REALLY Cool Car Owner, Seems your car felt the need to take 2 parking spots today…I read once that this is caused by a lack of social skills, so that is why I dinged it up a bit, and left this message via key…just trying to help it ‘fit in'â€

   Experts say FREQUENT sex can reduce the chances of men developing prostate cancer. Ladies do your part in the fight against cancer.

   "Police! OPEN the damn Door" "Not with that attitude, Mister."

   Adam and Eve had an ideal relationship. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam's mother cooked.

   Just once in my life I'd like to see a liars pants actually catch on damn fire...

   Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.

   The early bird needs to shut up.