Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!

   If Monday was a person it would be a fat ginger girl who likes horses and tells the teacher when you cheat.

   It is hard to pull off gangster with a toy poodle sitting in your lap.

   “Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” -Bruce Lee

   ■If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~D.Larson

   A thunderstorm is God's way of saying his electronics will always be better than yours

   If I had a nickel for every time someone said I'm bad at math, I'd have 47 cents.

   Just learned that you're supposed to Urinate on a Jellyfish Sting and NOT on a Jelly Roll Stain.......Sorry Sir.

   If I was homeless I would enter various resturants and yell "FOOD FIGHT!"

   Girl says "Guys are like bras. They hook up behind your back.".... The best reply, "Girls are like condoms, they spend more time in your wallet then on your d!ck!"

   Social Security checks are go paperless. Cause if the is something senior citizens are good at it's online banking.

   Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...

   I copied my Match@com bio from a used car website. - White. - Good condition. - Reliable. - Cheap. - Some evidence of rear end damage.

   I had a falling out with a co-worker when he found out I slept with his sister. We're cool now. He is even teaching me Spanish. Now I can order steak(Soy un idiota que tiene sexo con las vacas). Thanks Javier!!

   Hey Girls,,, When a guy says "I'm listening",, what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd be unstoppable".

   Women claim men are dogs but remember if you feed a dog his favorite food all the time, he will never leave home

   If you smile in a Walmart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   I will rip my teeth out removing a price tag off a new shirt before I look for scissors.

   Flash Mob. My Place....bring Wrapping paper!

   My Wife tld me her fantasy would be to spend the night with George Clooney! Then she flipped out when I told her mine! Apparently, ''Melanie the lady with the nice body next door!'' wasn't a good answer!!!