Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Do nudists refer to their genitals as "privates" or "publics"?

   I believe in love at first sight....which is exactly why I stopped looking homeless people in the eyes. Just cant risk it.

   Facebook should just change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?" ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   If you have an album in your facebook photo page, titled...WeDdInG pHoToS!!!! You my have been too young to marry.

   I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.

   My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel....

   When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote boyfriend, hhmmmm......

   My downstairs neighbor's 3 favorite movies of all time... 3.) “10,000,000 Explosions” 2.) “Army Guys Yelling At Each Other” 1.) “Subwoofer: The Movie”

   Tip: Before asking if someone is pregnant, make sure he's a woman.

   If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I'm gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.

   What's the appropriate cutoff age for playing in an inflatable bouncy house? Please let me know ASAP as this will impact my weekend plans.

   There's no need to rush. If something's meant to be, it'll happen in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.

   Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.

   Just got "I <3 U" texted to me. Of course I also think one is less than three. Idiot.

   Damn white cars that look like cop cars! I just chugged my beer super fast for nothing

   To-Do List : Nothing[✓]

   All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan

   When I die , I want to be buried with a ring of toasters or egg beaters around me . then when they dig me up 1000`s of years from now the archeologists will say "wow we stumbled apon someone of great importance"

   The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

   When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.”