Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "For the record I made women from men before it was cool." - GOD

   Just found out that Oprah is leaving her show after 25 years. I didn't know that! How in the world could I have missed that? Oh ya, I don't give a crap...

   Don't tell me anything about the new Harry Potter film! I still haven't seen the first 6 films.

   Explosion at Boston Marathon blame the bomber. Shooting at school blame the gun?? Idiocracy?

   Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They're always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.

   I'm going to start a business in India, but have the call centers in America. We'll see how they like it

   shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby now. The proof is in the pudding...

   saw myself naked in the mirror and now my hand isn't in the mood

   I find it extremely ironic that "strap on" is "no parts" spelled backwards.

   Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?

   The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.

   The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

   It's Fathers Day 2mmrw... Ladies plz don't start bashing the whole male species! If ya baby daddy ain't sh*t, you picked him!

   so T-Mobile calls me up and asks "what do you want for a cell phone company" ? So I tell him.... A blow up doll that doesn't fart and fly out the window when you bite her neck.......she hung up!..... I guess they didn't REALLY want to know!

   Can you imagine all the wierd stuff that would going on in the world if everyone who was "following their dreams," did so after one of those late night spicy pizza dreams?

   I'll take "Things that a crackhead would steal" for $600, Alex.

   Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

   Angry Birds is going to be turned into an animated series. If it's anything like the game an episode will be 30 seconds long, played 20 times in a row, and sure to piss people off.

   going to take a picture of his first kid and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centrepiece in the house. Then when the appropriate time comes and he realiz

   I'm not sure why I involuntarily fart while I pee but I'm pretty glad I don't involuntarily pee when I fart.