Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.

   I often ask myself "What's wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can't drink at work"

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   $19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

   Sometime's I put lipstick on my own collar Just so I can get the silent treatment

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

   What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?

   After spending 45 minutes eavesdropping on a crazy girl giving advice to another crazy girl, I really don't know how we're not extinct yet.

   You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.

   I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.

   this isn't a bakery, I don't sugar coat anything!

   Russell Wilson became the first QB in history to throw a game-winning interception."

   You know what's cheaper than reading a book on a Kindle?......Reading a book.

   47 min: My monthly record for using my phone as a phone

   Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   It's truly astonishing that a little guy hiding in an Ecuadorean Embassy is doing a heck of a lot more for TRUTH in this Election .... Than the Entire American Press!!!

   No .... Not all Refugees are terrorist ..... However, Since the bad guys have already told us and sworn they have infiltrated the refugees .... The job is to find out which ones they are. It's Better to err on the side of Caution.

   .Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

   Mess with me, I'll fight back. Mess with my friends, I'll hurt you. Mess with ones I love, and they'll never be able to identify you."

   Hooters girls may be hot, but subway girls are wife material. They stand behind the counter, put whatever you want on your sandwich, and then clean up the kitchen