Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   George Jefferson is dead!........''Moving on up to that apt. in the sky!!!'' R.I.P.

   I've been asking God to send me my soulmate. Either he's not listening or we've got very different ideas on how she should look.

   I've regretted being nice way more times than I've regretted being a douchebag.

   This Ramen tastes like unemployment

   Be a deer and stand in the middle of the road for me, would you?

   Lots of woman stay in relationships just to have somebody around to kill spiders and open jars.

   You really inspire me to be a bitter person.

   When a woman says "the girls" I automatically assume she is talking about her boobs, not her actual friends.

   Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

   I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant transmission problem rather than repossession problem.

   What a beautiful world it would be if only boobs were the answer to all the world's problems.

   Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.

   Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I'm about to be murdered.

   Ugh....... I can never decide which color of shower puff is the most gangster.

   Why aren't you women happy like the ones in the tampon commercial?

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   You have no idea how happy I get when p̶h̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶r̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶ the microwave beeps and the food is ready.

   This cup is so good, I now know why coffee got it's own table in the living room

   Do I need to pee on you to mark my property? Cause I will.

   I have reached that point of my day where no more productivity is possible...