Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you

   When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans.".. All I hear is that there's a bear out that knows how to use matches

   I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman's purse.

   I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.

   I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.

   Maybe Jada Pinkett Smith should receive an Oscar for acting like an idiot.

   Well, if you're going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.

   Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"

   FOUND: IPod Touch 4G, 32GB, white. Must be able to match the naked pics I found in the photos.

   Do midgets get ticked off because their miniature golf courses are overrun by normal sized people?

   i do believe my fake laugh is ready to go pro.

   Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face.

   Gynecologists looking for a cool nickname, please remember Rug Doctor is a registered trademark.

   Does anyone else feel that the only reason to drink coffee is so you are awake enough to go shopping at the liquor store or is it just me?

   Faithful on your wall, but cheating in their FB inbox.

   "Single" doesn't always mean available, just as "in a relationship" doesn't always mean happy!

   We can bailout Big Banks, but we can save an American Iconic Twinkie factory from going out of business??? Priorities People!!!!

   You know when you have to wash the dishes when you are eating salad out of a coffee cup.

   “Hold on playa!” -Ghetto Yield sign.