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Dear construction worker: After 637 washes, your orange shirt is no longer classified as "high visibility". 
I just don't think this wiener thing is going to stand up in court.
Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol.
Nowadays, Father's Day is a good day to thank Dad for not running away from home.
my method of Resistance Training is just NOT working out!
In the past, when you were angry with someone, you fought them. Now you just defriend them on Facebook.
Oh you want me to "make time" for you? Well, if I could "make time" I wouldn't be wasting that skill on you.
Driving home late, uncomfortable, cold, music blaring: About to fall asleep. Finally home, comfortable, quiet, in bed: Wide awake and posting on facebook.
Love: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing
Dear Oil Companies…at least have the common courtesy to offer a reach around when I pump…Fu@k You Very Much…
thinks I've found the cure for stupidity... a shock collar. And if it doesn't cure them, at least you got a good laugh watching them twitch."
Why does everyone say my name like it means “Shut Up”?
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
Hiring someone attractive does necessarily not mean they will be a productive employee...unless this person is a prostitute.
There's a fine line between hyphenated words.
HDTV: where the channels are still crap..but a much clearer and colorful crap.
accepted the People's Choice award for best portrayal of a status update
I just harvested my crops, killed a Mafia Don, fed my fish and deleted my Facebook account
Hoarders is on tonite. I like that show because it makes me feel like I'm tidy
went to a massage parlor today and asked for a happy ending, the lady looked at me and said "The Princess kissed the Frog, and turned in to a prince and they lived hapily every after" that will be a 100 bucks thank you,
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