Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   With women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at... LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff..

   Apparently it isn’t chivalry if you’re in the ladies’ washrooms and you open doors to the stalls for them.

   im about to embark on an epic journey from a horizontal position in my bed to the coffee maker. join me on this incredible journey

   My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash... and it is gone!

   Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?

   Some people should be very grateful I don't have mob connections.

   I just used the phrase "dilly dally", so I'm looking into retirement homes now.

   A smile is way better than a duck face...

   Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is easily the worst thing to happen to President Lincoln in a theatre.

   Flirting is dangerous business. One wrong move and you're committed.

   I've been struggling with my laziness. I can't decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.

   I don't understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don't they?

   Did you knOw that if your awake for more than 72 hours you can get away with killing someone by pleading insanity. I'm on hour 56 I'll let you know tomorrow how things go.

   against recycling because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   there are plenty of fish in the sea, ya just gotta wiggle your worm!

   I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.

   Do you know if you add ur birthdate to ur age then multiply it by ur weight then divide it by ur height, then add 12345, then take the square root of that number and add it to Pi & then multiply that times zero....u will know exactly how much I give a sh!

   In order to PREVENT SPAM, I ask that you DONT CLICK THE FRIGGIN LINK YOU BONEHEADED TWAT !

   the dance floor is a priviledge not a right

   "Porn stash" sounds too seedy. I prefer to call it my "Guybrary."