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Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at? 
trying to find the differences between an Oompa-Loompa and Snooki... gotta be the hair!!!
I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.
"Some people say that one's personality is reflected off of their car... Well, I have no car."
thinks to err is human but to blame it on someone else... now that's supervisor material!
True happiness is getting that load off...your shoulders
I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.
Thanks to television, I now believe that all janitorial and supply closets in hospitals are being occupied at all times by people having sex.
Oh, I see you're playing hard to get... I'm gonna play walk away.
Had a great massage the other day, but I think I confused my masseuse by asking her for an "ambiguous, european-cinema-style ending."
Do you think many people look at others facebook's and judge them off what they see or what was said, I dont because thatd be pathetic. But if youre out there, hi. :)
he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.
Don't you think its time for Life Alert to update their commercials.
You know people who say they don't want to be on Facebook because they don't want to read what people are having for lunch? Screw them, I'm eating a sandwich.
No, really, I'm laughing with you. Well, I will once I can find the time to stop laughing at you.
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
Going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions...
By the time you can afford a high definition television you no longer have the high definition eyesight necessary to enjoy it.
will resist peer pressure. All the cool kids are doing it...
What other people think of you is none of your business.
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