Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   what are we gonna post after the election.. no material.

   Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.

   This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like's your idea"

   I saw the pictures you posted of your baby at the pumpkin patch and I felt nothing.

   Considering a Kickstarter campaign to gather the capital needed to start my line of heavy metal sandwich shops: Pantera Bread.

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1994. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now.

   Tony Romo threw in the towel today, even that was intercepted.

   I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

   I would be more of a people person at work if HR would agree to day drinking.

   Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.

   Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.

   Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

   I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

   I'll be doing book signings today at Barnes & Noble until they kick me out for writing in random books.

   My meth lab on Farmville blew up. FML.

   There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs because they want money. When women go wild, they kill men for insurance policies.

   Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

   How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?

   Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."