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Vegan: Pigs are one of the smartest animals, how can you eat them? Me: 2 out of 3 of them build their houses out of $hit materials... 
My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.
It's not always the one that got away that troubles me the most, as sometimes it's the one that won't go away.
I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had Amnesia or Insomnia.
hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
My wife is a porn star. If she ever finds out, she'll kill me.
Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
You far-rights and far-lefts are really screwed up people. Thank God I'm in the middle.
If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file?
Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.
Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.
Remember when Ron Paul was too crazy to be President.
Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.
Fourth of July weekend is when we finally get to play our favorite American guessing game, Firework or Gunshot!!!
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
Instagram is good for showing highlights from your day, but Snapchat brings to life all those boring, in-between moments no one cares about.
So ..... FBI Director James Comey Sure Has Changed his views a Lot Since He Prosecuted Martha Stewart hasn't he … Folks ... Do some research and check it out.
About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.
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