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If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up. 
It's official. Yahoo Answers has surpassed the US Government as the all time record holder in not being able to accurately answer a simple question.
I would say that if my coworkers were picking on me they're leaving someone else alone, but these guys are multi-taskers.
Who needs the NFL Ticket when you have Facebook?
I told someone to question everything. He replied to me "even your conspiracy theories?" After that, I feel so confused all the time.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I like my coffee like I like my men Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
yes I am an embarrassment to my family but I am also an embarrassment to other families
In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at?
hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
My wife is a porn star. If she ever finds out, she'll kill me.
Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
You far-rights and far-lefts are really screwed up people. Thank God I'm in the middle.
If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file? 