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I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team 
Facebook: making the high school reunion last forever.
Brand new scientifically proven weight loss lipstick... Superglue
You know how guys buy really large and expensive vehicles to make up for certain shortages? Well, I don't even have a car.
If a guy doesn't turn on the TV first when he sits down next to his woman on the couch, that's a BJ request.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you're relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!
I like that Dollar General store because you don't have to get all dressed up like you do when you go to Walmart.
Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having
..which is why I start my sentences in the middle.
I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.
I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.
I'm thinking of getting tattoos on my shoulders that say "Place legs here".
I wonder if my drug dealer is going to have any Black Friday deals.
I just killed a spider with my shoe. I don't care how big spiders are but no one steals my f*cking shoes!
If you're feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there's tons of those things. Relax, there will always be worms.
'Jesus loves you.' Comforting to hear in church; terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison
Dear lady who says she will only date guys who drive Mercedes or BMW cars, yet your father drives a Hyundai; Why can't you be humble like your mother?
Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams "Who are you! How did you get in my house?"
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