Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.

   If you can't say anything nice, say something vague on Facebook.

   Coffee , you're on the bench ..... Beer , suit up , you`re on .........

   You can only say, “WTF?” so many times a day, until you just decide to start drinking.

   Woman's Logic: Bikini - No problem. Bra and underwear: - OMG DON'T LOOK!!!

   There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.

   PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.

   Most females think they can change a player, but the truth is it's not the player that needs to change, its the girl, because every player is on a mission to find that one female which makes him lose his desire to play.

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What! I took an oath!

   Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.

   Facebook going green? Because I'm seeing a lot of people reusing the quotes.

   Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy. Men have to deal with Women. It's all about balance.

   Ever think somebody taking 2,473 pictures of themselves EVERYDAY and posting it on facebook is a lil overkill?

   I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks.

   When I stop talking and just walk away, it doesn't mean you've won. It means I'm not wasting any more time on your stupid ass.

   Falling in love is like falling down when you drunk or high...u dont feel the pain until the magical effect is gone..

   It makes no sense to commit yourself in a relationship if you still expect to have single people's privileges.

   The "problems" in your life can't be that bad if you can update a facebook status... How bad can life be if you have internet access or a cell phone with a data plan.

   where do all the characters go that you type on the keyboard before you realize the cursor isn't in the box?

   Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a wife pushing it around.