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My favorite exercise at the gym would definitely be judging. 
The official Boston Suspects video on Youtube starts with an advertisement ... WTF!!!
Admit it, the only thing that can make your lazy ass get up is when your laptop says 5% Battery Remaining.
If you have never said "Luke, I am your father" into an empty pringles can, then you probably should get on that
If I don't get enough sleep, I'm tired. If I get too much, I'm tired. And even if I get the right amount, I still need three pots of coffee.
Diet is going great! No hostess snack cakes at all this year
There's something about today that wants me to be hungover tomorrow.
Why did they even build a highway to the danger zone
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
“Your driving is freaking terrible,” I said to my wife. “Oh come on!” She said, “It’s not that bad.” I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.
After the VMAs people everywhere are saying that Miley Cyrus is the most talentless, disappointing girl in the music industry... I'm sorry, but please don't take that title away from Justin Bieber..
Too bad Norman Rockwell isn't around today to paint scenes of people looking down at their smartphones.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.
still wondering what Chet did to get his nuts roasted on an open fire.
I wish people would understand I only sing when I'm drunk and that little shot of wine in church just doesn't cut it.
Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden!
Hickies in junior high = Sweet! Hickies in your 30s = Gross
The reason I'm single? She wouldn't marry me when I was drinking and I wouldn't marry her when I was sober.
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