Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 10 minutes.

   With all this stress eating, I may hit 270 before either of the candidates.

   Press 1 for English.... Did I move?

   I don't want to see a politician's tax returns. I want to see the the results of their IQ tests.

   Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

   At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

   Your tax refund probably taking long cuz all your kids got different last names and the IRS is confused.

   Before the Coronavirus I'd cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.

   Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

   It's time for a Civil war to overthrow the legal government to install the leader demanded by the mob. Ya ... That's the ticket.

   The election in a nutshell: We let the p*ssies play pin the tail on the donkey for a while, then shut the party down.

   My neighbor finally put up his #Christmas lights today. I bet he's mad that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   Last night I went to a "Testicular Cancer" survivor party. Everyone had a ball.

   What if all those coins you keep finding on your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

   Everyone want to see a politician's tax returns. I'd rather see their IQ tests.

   I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   Would you want to trust your fate to 12 people who were too dumb to get out of Jury Duty?

   What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that

   A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

   Yo Jussie...this $3,500 check bounced!