Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What’s the difference between a Pick Pocketer and a Peeping Tom…..A Pick Pocketer snatches watches

   Most women don't notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.

   There's nothing worse than not getting the right amount of love from strangers on the internet.

   My relationship status just changed to sweatpants oreos and netflix!

   I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...

   Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Ment a girl dressed as an egg. We spent the night at my place. And I found out the answer to that old question. It was the chicken.

   We celebrate the 4th of July because citizens were armed.

   There's a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.

   Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions

   Do soccer players actually pay for those hair cuts or do they just find the first drunk guy with a weed eater and insult his mother?

   I still think Richard Gere overpaid for Julia Roberts.

   Legend says when you can't sleep it's because you are awake in someone else's dreams....when I find out who you are I'm going to punch you right in the face.

   I now consider sitting in a quiet car as a good night out.

   Miss the 1980's, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before Mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

   I'm going paperless at home but it's presenting a real problem in the bathroom.

   Hey,, Has anyone tried giving ISIS a snickers bar?

   If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.

   "According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls."

   For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the "S"

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember...you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.