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Husband: Let's try a different position tonight. Wife: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. 
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
All the people with barbwire tattoos should join together and form a border wall between US and Mexico
The hands that help others in need are holier than the lips that pray.
Just deleted a guy off my friend list for posting the status "I hate Macaroni and cheese" That's right. I'm not taking crap from anyone today!
Well played, anti-theft hotel hangers. But I took the rod too. Your move.
Her smile used to get me through a tough day. Now her smile just keeps me up all these sleepless nights...wondering...what is this b!tch up to???
I'm a guy that loves to show a woman exactly what I like sexually. So I start off every first date with a 2-hour PowerPoint presentation.
I hate arrogant people....It's like they think they're better than me...No one is better than me!
Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance! *this fb status had been approved and paid for by Alcohol
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Sorry if you don't like my Honesty. But to be fair I don't like your lies
It's impossible for a woman to say 'I'm not overreacting' without screaming.
I feel like I am watching two middle aged house wives arguing over whose cookie recipe is better.
I just made 8 cinnamon rolls disappear. I'm the saddest magician ever.
All that Felix proved Sunday was that Redbull does not give you wings... You must use a parachute
The adult me is just the child me with severe lower back pain....
Eating soup in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.
Prison pen pals: Because the odds of getting murdered just aren't high enough.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
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