Funny Status Messages

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness

   You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

   I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat

   It's a good thing that not everyone owns a smartphone..Someone has to HONK when the light turns green.

   How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

   it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.

   "No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."

   I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.

   Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

   Oh I can walk the walk. Just don't ask me to jog the jog or run the run...

   I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

   Coronavirus is cancelling everything but my bills

   All those unmatched socks are gonna finally be put to good use with the toilet paper shortage going on.

   There will be a baby boom in 9 months, after this thing pass but them babies will be known as the Quaranteens

   I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.