Funny Status Messages

   Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history

   I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.

   I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

   It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

   Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?....any scholars out there?

   If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

   Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China this weekend.

   Me and my recliner go way back.

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.

   For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?