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Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now. 
New pickup line: hey why don't you come back to my place, I have toilet paper😉
So showing up at the bank with a mask and gloves is okay now
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
If you are driving alone in your car with a face mask on... Stay home... Even after this is over...
All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost. Now they know how we feel!!
Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.
I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China this weekend.
It's always awkward when you scan your neighbors house and lock eyes with another set of binoculars.
Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut
It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.
Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history
I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"
remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?
I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent. 