Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM 
Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter
English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier. So I’ve got that going for me.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?
Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?....any scholars out there?
If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.
As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.
Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...
Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.
Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...
Looks like Bloomberg got stopped and frisked during the debate... 