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HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are. 
When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels
If my cat could talk I have a feeling it would tell me "stop talking to me crazy woman and go get laid"
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
White Castle is down to their last pound of ground beef. That ought to be good for another million burgers.
I hate it when someone gives me a really fake smile. Especially when I've gone to the trouble of making my fake smile seem so genuine.
I think it is so impolite for people to sneak up on you while you are talking about them behind their back!!!
Life needs to give out Vodka now, enough lemons collected
I was an Athlete in school. I Dreamt of running in the Olympics one day! Now, I dream of just getting my fat a$$ off the couch!!!
XBox Kinect Sports is so life-like... I just got picked last!
Here's a lesson that no matter how many times I learn it, I always forget: When a woman asks you for your opinion about something, she doesn't actually WANT your opinion; she just wants to hear her opinion said again with a deeper voice.
It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."
When asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
BREAKING NEWS: The Last person just finished voting in Florida....
That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.
It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.
If you're easy to get, then you're easy to forget.
Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot. 