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Happy "Hold my beer while I light this" Day!!! 
The Rockets should now Hire Stan Van Gundy just to see the look on Dwight Howard's face.
It's pretty cool how vodka always has such 'great' ideas.
ATTENTION ALL WHO WORK WITH THE PUBLIC--everyone is stuck in stupid mode today, a smack to the back of the head should trigger the reset button!
Dating: I love your taste in music! Married: I got you headphones for your birthday.
Just watched Miley Cyrus' VMA performance on YouTube... I'm on my way now to the health department to get tested for herpes.
Joan Rivers doesnt look a day over $225,000
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
If I ever ask how your day is going, any response other than "fine" will be considered an act of aggression.
What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a joke about that” and “I should talk to my therapist about that”
I am a single mom raising 5 electronic gadgets and a couch all by myself.
Every time I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the damn lock.
Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?
I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. I hope she finds someone nice.
I'm amazed at how far women will go to try to make me jealous. My ex is married now with 3 kids -- I see right through that.
Women are the original autocorrect. 