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The one person that BP has not called on to fix the oil leak is MacGyver. he can do it with a stick of gum a Q-tip and some tin foil!!! 
if you can't say ridiculous things with a straight face, there's probably no room in management for you.
the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.
take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.
For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.
Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
We debated for years what the participation trophy generation would turn out to be.
Now we know.
Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up on brain-dead zombies. Oh wait. Sorry, wrong channel. This is "The View".
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he's really in trouble.”
The only man in history to be called a jackass by the president of The United States is Kanye West
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it's Science
I just tried drowning a spider with my Rockstar energy drink and now he's wearing a neon green tank top and bench pressing my remote.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this. 