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No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it. 
Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.
Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.
Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.
A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark
You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.
Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.
If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office
When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.
You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"
It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.
I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...
My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet” 