Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Anyone remember when it was normal
for kids to go outside & be gone all day,
but parents wouldn’t know where you were,
just that you better be home when it is dark? 
First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.
If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...
Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet
I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
What it all boils down to is evaporation.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...
Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.
Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.
The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.
Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.
With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15. 