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Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, and actually came back home. 
Dear Winter, I think we should spend some time apart... I'm gonna try to work things out with my ex, Summer...
thinks the Amsterdam smoke shops should begin limiting marijuana consumption to the Nigerians that are about to board planes heading to Detroit.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my Doctor calls them, symptoms...
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs with Socks... and then kill himself.
Someone give Bruno Mars a grenade and pull the pin. I'm getting sick of that song. She dosen't love you, I don't wanna hear about how your stalking her.
when life gives you dilemmas, make dilemmanade!
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
I realized today after seeing gray hair in the mirror that my dream of being a child star will never happen.
You might have a million dollar body, but you got a food stamp face!
And with the official start of baseball season today, the Chicago Cubs have already been eliminated from the playoffs.
Hugh Hefner- 87 years old, has 27 years old wife; Berlusconi -77 years old, has a 27 years old girlfriend; Maradona- 52 years old, has a 22 years old girlfriend. Moral : Don't worry that you don't have a girlfriend or wife, your's probably isn't born yet.
Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti...... Hang on. It dosen't matter now......!
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"
11 year old kids making Facebook accounts. What the hell are you gonna post about? 'Just got the new 64 Crayola pack......with the sharpener!'
Putting $10,000 worth of speakers into a $5000 car is a sure way of never climbing out of your social class
Try this: Tell your children over dinner, ''Due to the Economy,We are going to have to let one of you go!!!
Shout out to all the girls that got pregnant last night and don't know it yet
You don't call it stalking; you call it solving a problem. 