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   messageicon I don't know how you ladies can pluck your eyebrows out.. I just pulled a stray moustache hair and cried like a little girl
←Rate | 06-22-2020 22:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
←Rate | 06-29-2020 11:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."
←Rate | 07-13-2020 18:58 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks
←Rate | 01-07-2018 23:08 by Depirts Comments (0)  


   messageicon Know how old I am? I still owe Blockbuster $2 for not rewinding St. Elmo's Fire.
←Rate | 01-12-2018 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Common sense is so rare this days, it should almost be classified as a superpower
←Rate | 01-17-2018 03:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best
←Rate | 02-15-2018 11:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just saved a$1,375.00 on my Visa card by not going to Disney World .
←Rate | 02-17-2018 15:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
←Rate | 03-27-2018 10:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.
←Rate | 08-31-2020 09:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
←Rate | 10-02-2020 08:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
←Rate | 10-02-2020 13:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?
←Rate | 10-05-2020 12:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds
←Rate | 12-10-2020 09:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before you fall in Love with a girl with sparkling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Write the name of someone you hate on your arm every day with a permanent marker. That way if you die they'll become a suspect.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 09:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."
←Rate | 04-18-2018 14:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 03:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.
←Rate | 07-03-2021 05:49 Comments (0)  



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