Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

   That's right,, Doctor Smug, I DO drink eight glasses of water a day.... I just filter them through coffee grinds first.

   I don’t know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

   Just once I'd like a doctor to tell me I'm not getting enough beer in my diet.

   The Grammys would be awesome if it was actually about celebrating the best artists in the country. Instead it is just about which ones get the most corporate sponsorship and sound the most generic.

   Nike: Just Do It. Crocs: Just Don't.

   I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.

   Why don't they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

   Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.

   Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?

   Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

   If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

   Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

   You can't call it "Doggy Style" unless you scratch behind her ears and ask, "Now who's a good girl" after you finish.

   But seriously guys, ,,,, almost every time I've had cake I've eaten it, too.....................so

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   I was so drunk last night at the bar. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   It funny that when it's black on white, it's a crime. When it it's white on black, it's a hate crime.

   Adam never let Eve boss him around. He wore the plants in the relationship.