Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those that recognize how diverse people are, and those that think there are only 2 kinds of people

   Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.

   the difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer

   I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!

   Have you noticed that it's only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......

   "Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak".

   I bet I could win a gold medal for 'least amount of Olympics watched.' But I'll never know if I do.

   When I get to heaven I hope I don't hear the words, "Just a formality before we let you in, gonna take a look at your Facebook timeline."

   Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.

   79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless

   I wish I had a friend like me

   I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!

   When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. I'm getting written up at Home Depot

   I have never seen a funnier headline than "Apple Releases Instructions for Deleting U2 Album It Provided for Free"

   Guy ahead of me at the ATM left his receipt and my balance is higher, so yeah, today is a good day after all!!

   I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

   BREAKING NEWS: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags...People who love picking up dog crap with their bare hands rejoice.

   Why is it "romantic" when Aladdin sings A Whole New World while flying on a carpet but "pathetic" when I sing it while laying on a bath mat?

   They will never find that missing airliner. By now it is safely tucked away in Kim Jong-un's garage.

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.