Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish's Birth date.

   I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   Makeup tip..... You aren't in the circus.

   Aparently people don't like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.

   Do you think the bums with Target shopping carts look down on the bums with Walmart shopping carts?

   I'm so glad television redefined the word "marathon" to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise.

   My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

   Treating others the way you what them to treat you is a great way to live your life. It may also quite possibly be sexual harassment...

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   May is National Procrastination Awareness Month.

   I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space.

   I always know what to say... It's the when and where to say it that I struggle with.

   It's 100° with an under-boob index of 110°.

   I'm wondering what kind of loser spends Thursday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk.

   Some of you make impulsive, poorly thought out decisions. We should hang out more.

   I will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.

   typed this status with his toes.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   I'm so miserable without you, it's almost as if you were here.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.