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''Live this friday like it was your last.'' - The Mayans 
Fate puts different people in our path. It's up to us to determine if they are keepers or creepers.
Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.
We bought a zoo, because we bought some pot.
YOLO - You Obviously Lack Originality
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
There are two kinds of people in this world, and I don't like them.
It's so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it's never found again..
Twerking.. Always reminds me of a dog trying to shake the $h1t off themselves after they poop.
“You’re beautiful the way you are, ladies. Just kidding, you need to buy this stuff.” – commercials
If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
This recurring dream where my FB account gets deleted and I cease to exist.
Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.
Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.
If beer pong has taught me anything... it's that there's no cool way to chase a ping pong ball.
If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
Waiting for Kanye to jump into the ICU and tell Lil Wayne that his death is tragic.... But Tupac had the best rap death of all time.
Dear Axe Bodyspray, Please create a new bottle that allows only one spary every 24 hours. Thank you for your consideration. Signed, Mother of a ten year old boy 