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Sorry I said "at least it's healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was. 
My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Anyone who's says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", has obviously never gone through a divorce.
Thanksgiving is almost here.Dont forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan
I like to leave random messages like "I'm pregnant -- Call me" on random car windshields in the shopping mall parking lot.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
May the shooter's 72 virgins be all males.
Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife.
What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn’t win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!
300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?
...Thinking of getting a government grant to study ... Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I need a way to change my relationship status to "Out of Order" or "Temporarily Out of Service."
If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you're a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.
Twilight showed me it's okay to date underage girls if you're a 107-year-old vampire
wondering why someone would put down their needle anywhere near a haystack.
I have just finished my thesis: "Pyrotechnics Lead to prosthetics". Keep all your digits safe! Happy 4th!! 