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Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts. 
If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone....
My nickname at work is "I thought they fired you"
Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."
Why must I prove I'm me, if I'm callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
No man has ever won a game of 'notice anything different about me?'
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Remember that episode on Cosby Show where Vanessa got drunk and was hung over..........I'm thinking Cosby did that
There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom
Telling your kids you remember when gas was $.99 is like your Grandparents telling you they remember walking to school in the snow barefooted... Both were a long long time ago & will never happen again...
I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories
200 Happy Birthday Messages on my wall and all I got was a Farmville tractor.
You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?
You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.
Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.
I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.
ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts. 