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I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much" 
I've yet to check the status of my Lotto ticket. My biggest fear is that for last five hours here at work, I've put up with unnecessary bull****
- Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Can't believe it's been a whole year since the world ended in 2012
People who bite icecream scare the hell out of me
I think Oprah should marry Deepak Choprah and take his last name.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom's wastepaper basket.
I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It's the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.
Just watched my daughter's boyfriend take 90 seconds to get a straw in a Capris Sun. Safe to say I can put the shotgun away now.
I'm at that age now that if I am at a bachelor party and a stripper jumped out of a cake I would worry that she will get hair on my peice.
I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes. 